I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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