Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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