the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
Thatโs the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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