I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
