I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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