We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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