I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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