when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
