My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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