she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
