Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
