ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
