I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
someone owes me an orgasm
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
