I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
