just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
