So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
