Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
