i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
