last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
