her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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