you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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