dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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