I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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