I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
