doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
