my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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