Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
