we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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