he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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