So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
