If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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