just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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