new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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