So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
