I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
