just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
