it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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