Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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