Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
