I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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