So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
