Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My bed smells like the plague
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
