There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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