dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
