I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
