Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
