The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
