Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
