i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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