Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
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