Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
