I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
