Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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